Kissing: Why it Died and How to Revive it (and Make it Better than Ever)!

6 second kiss


The slow, intimate, sexy, passionate kind of kissing.

Remember how fun that was?

Has it been a while since you have engaged in that kind of kissing? If you answered yes, you are not alone. For a lot of married couples, that kind of magnetic experience dies down pretty quickly after you say your vows. The flame that lit the fire of passion turns into quick, unenthusiastic, pursed-lip pecking. And with the decline of quality kissing came a decline in that feeling of passionate, emotional connection.

Why did kissing die?

From my work with couples, I have learned that pretty much all things that are not prioritized and given due attention will eventually die down, even if they are things you enjoy.  We become complacent. We learn that kissing is no longer required to “get some.” When a couple starts dating, kissing is sexy, fun, and exciting. Kissing is the first point of contact that takes you out of the “friend” zone and into intimate territory. Kissing is foreplay, and a prelude to all the sexy bases that follow. 

As a couple’s relationship progresses, they adopt this mentality that they no longer need to invest in kissing to move on to “the better stuff.” So, kissing gets downgraded to pecking, a way of saying hello and goodbye, that is far more of a routine than an amorous expression towards your partner.  Frankly, that sucks!

Why is kissing important?

Like I said earlier:

Kissing is foreplay! 

Great, quick, easy, PG-13 foreplay you can enjoy pretty much any time.  It is a great way to show your partner affection and create a slow and sexy pathway to arousal.  I’ve seen slow, deep, passionate kissing work magic for couples with libido discrepancy and arousal issues. It allows them to slow down and create a gradual, low-pressure path to getting turned on.  

Kissing is also a great way to share intimacy and create connection without it being a prelude to sex.  Many times I hear women say that they want to feel wanted, loved and desired, but not necessarily through the act of having sex. Kissing is a great way to show your husband you are into him and to help you both get turned on and tuned in. 

How to bring kissing back!

John Gottman, Ph.D., the love and relationship researcher who brought you Love Maps, came up with one of the simplest and best interventions to revive kissing for couples who were stuck in the pecking stage.

The 6-second kiss to the rescue! Why 6 seconds? As Gottman explains:

that is the amount of time it takes to make it "long enough to feel romantic."

This is not a simple 6-second lip lock. This is a kiss with passion and intention that communicates amorous desire towards your partner. Romance is the goal here - a little bit of romance, every day, on a consistent basis. Gottman recommends enjoying at least one 6-second kiss per day. At first, 6 seconds may feel a bit long, but the goal is to slow down and embrace that long lost feeling of intimate connection through kissing. And who knows where it may lead!

Commit to at least one 6-second kiss every day for the next week (that’s only 42 seconds). Make it one of your rituals of connection and comment below on your experience.  Happy Frisky Friday!

Marina Voron

Marina Voron, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Co-Founder, and Clinical Director of Nassau Wellness. Marina believes all couples have the power to form a loving and lasting relationship given the right tools. Marina specializes in couples therapy, sex therapy, emotional affairs, anxiety, and communication issues. Read more...