We have to know what we’re feeling before we can share it with our partner.

When I meet with couples and teach them the communication framework, it becomes apparent that labeling their feelings is something new.

They often jump to - “angry,” “frustrated,” or “fine.”

It can be hard to go deeper and tune in to the feelings that are simmering beneath the surface. These are the more vulnerable emotions that are uncomfortable to sit with, like lonely, unimportant, not thought of, not cared for, or judged. Many of us are skilled at jumping from discomfort to anger, where we can focus on something or someone outside of ourselves and project all our hurt there.

Last weekend, I yelled at my husband.

It was one of those moments that was so incredibly small, but a few years ago would have gone nuclear.

We were unpacking the car and he went to open the trunk, but it wouldn’t open. I could hear the mechanism unlocking over and over again, but the trunk was stuck. Now, my husband has a tendency to break things. Which I suppose sounds critical, so let me say… I wish my husband would be a bit more gentle with things.

I was annoyed, got out of the car, and snapped at him.

“What did you do to it?!”

You know what couples tend to be really bad at?

Listening.

Like, truly listening.

It’s one of the most powerful lessons we need to learn if we’re going to be in a safe, emotionally supportive relationship. It’s also a powerful lesson to learn as we work to dismantle systemic racism in the U.S.

Let’s talk about what being a better listener looks like:

You’re open-minded, not defensive. You are willing to listen with a blank slate in your mind. You have no preconceived notion of what the other person is going to say. You’re not becoming preemptively defensive and building a case for why your perspective is right, theirs is wrong, or picking apart each point they present as they speak. You’ve dropped fully into your role as a listener and feel no need to guard your own beliefs.