When couples are struggling, they identify the same few causes. “It’s our communication,” they say. “We just can’t talk about anything without it turning into an argument.” Or they identify an issue with conflict resolution. “We never resolve anything. It just gets brushed under the rug and then comes back again a few weeks or months later.”
When things aren’t feeling good in our relationship, there’s often some distance between us and our partner that we’re not able to bridge. We don’t have much time for fun and if we do have free time together, we’re not looking forward to it. We know it’s going to be spent talking about logistics or fighting. We feel emotionally disconnected and like we don’t really know what’s going on with our partner. Why would we look forward to that?
Luckily, these challenges are not the result of some fundamental issue with your partner or relationship. They stem from a low emotional bank account balance.
What is the emotional bank account?
The emotional bank account was developed by John Gottman, Ph.D. to describe the impact of the ratio of positive to negative interactions on couples. Think of every positive interaction you have as a deposit and every negative interaction as a withdrawal. For a relationship to feel really good, loving, and connected, the ratio of positives to negatives needs to be 20:1 (5:1 during times of conflict). The more skewed that ratio becomes towards the negative, the more negative a relationship will feel.
When our ratio is off, our partner begins to feel like an opponent, rather than a teammate. Their actions get filtered through a negative lens, causing positive moments to appear neutral, and, the real danger zone, neutral moments to be seen as negative. Bad habits and faulty beliefs begin here. Each partner feels misunderstood, responds with frustration, and inadvertently validates the other person’s negative perception. “See? I knew you were being snippy with me!”
So, the cycle begins and you experience many more opportunities to have negative interactions than positive. The emotional bank account continues to be depleted and no deposits are being made to replenish the balance. And, so it goes.
Photo: Vera Arsic
